10/25/2003 11:07 PM - 0700

I am very much in love with my people. Maybe it's because I'm biased, or maybe it's because I just got home from a pow wow. Either way, I have yet to find anything in the world that can match the beauty, grace, and harmony found in a pow wow circle.

To tell the truth, I didn't really feel like going. I have been busy trying to clean house, trying to clear some of the 'stuff' out of my life.

'Stuff.' For some reason I accumulate a lot of 'stuff.' I don't even know where it all comes from, or how it grows to such monstrous proportions, but it seems like I always end up having entirely too much 'stuff.' It's like I open my eyes and it's just there. 'Stuff.' Everywhere. I'm beginning to believe it multiplies overnight, although I have no proof.

Anyway, I was all wrapped up in trying to get rid of 'stuff' when the pow wow started. I thought I would go and at least check it out. I didn't expect to stay more than 15 minutes. I just wanted to do a walk through, and then get back home to work on ridding my life of 'stuff.' But it didn't happen that way. Instead, once I got out there and walked through the door it was like I was under a spell. I didn't really realize how heavy heavy I was feeling until I went out there and felt my spirit being lifted by the songs, the dancers. Everything immediately penetrated my soul. It did my heart good to feel the connectedness of being with such beautiful native people.

They say there's therapeutic value in white noise, but to dissolve all the 'stuff' that had been accumulating in my own personal being I truly needed the healing properties of brown noise.

10/22/2003 9:24 PM - 0700

There was an ad in the paper for egg donors. Apparently there is a shortage of eggs and people are willing to pay you money for it. I think $3,000 was the going price. Now think about that. Most reservations I know are in economically depressed areas. I think it's safe to say there are probably even women on any given rez who could use $3,000. Of course, this strikes my curiosity. What would happen if one of our enrolled tribal members decided to respond to the ad? What would happen if the donation of this tribal egg resulted in a pregnancy? Would the child born from this donation then be eligible for enrollment as a tribal member? Should DNA and/or blood degree be a consideration in this situation? What 'really' makes a person a tribal members? Are we tribal by nature or by nurture? Is this spelled out anywhere in any tribe's enrollment criteria? Hmmmmm.... questions I've always wanted to know but was afraid to ask.

10/16/2003 9:52 PM - 0700:

I woke up the other day and realized I spent this past month almost entirely in grief.... my waking hours spent walking around numb and in pain. Going through the motions of life, with some glimpses of sunshine, but for the most part it was like I was surrounded by clouds and gray haze. In a short amount of time we buried four people on my reservation, and one of my dear friends told me he has 6 months to a year to live. They say life isn't fair. I say there are times when life can be downright mean. Sometimes when tragedy strikes, time eludes you and you forget about the other so-called priorities in life.

I made some attempts to write about these things, but committing raw emotions to thought to paper is not an easy task. Sometimes it helps to share with people who understand, and then let it go. I knew I could not sit in grief forever. You cannot undo the past. I made up my mind that Monday would be the day I was going to suck it up and drive on. I was going to get back into life full force.

Different things inspire me at different times. Sometimes it's family, sometimes it's friends, sometimes it's my tribe, sometimes it's good books or good music. This time it was a combination of all these, along with my deep spiritual beliefs in the afterlife.

I read a book one time called "Embraced by the Light" by Bettie Edie. It helped me at another time when I lost some significant people in my life. In her book she shares her experiences in the afterlife. She talks about the importance of prayer and the importance of love. Although her perspectives at the time she wrote the book was written from a Christian viewpoint, it was easy for me to translate into my own spiritual belief system. Prayer and love are universal.

You hear people say there are no coincidences in life, that everything happens for a reason. After reading this book, this saying took on a whole new meaning for me. In reflecting on this, I again realized that I have to accept life as it's dealt. Fair or not. Mean or not. We are all here for a reason. We don't know why things happen the way they do, but we all have a path to follow. We need to do what is put in front of us to do, and keep moving forward. As my young cousin simply put it on a drawing he made shortly before his death, "smile now cry later."

I brought the book over to my cousin's mom. I hope it helps her the way it helped me. We all need something to believe in.

****** My previous attempts at writing about this***********************
10/04/2003: I was sitting at home last weekend when I heard the news that one of my young cousins was shot by the police. I didn't believe it. He was only 15 years old. I knew him all his life... he lived a couple of houses away from me. Most days you would see him walking around the neighborhood with his friends. Sometimes you would see them sitting on the logs at the end of the street "kickin' it." Other times he would be trading Yu-gi-oh cards or Nintendo games with the younger kids. But no matter what, he always greeted everyone with a smile and hello. When they told me the news I went into denial. I never knew him to get into trouble, so I thought for sure it was a mistake, but by the next day it was clear that it wasn't. The headline news read:

Cop Kills Man Waiving Gun

As we read the news, everybody went into shock: the family, the tribe, and even the community of Spokane was stricken with grief. How could this be? The next few days became a blur, as more stories came out and the details of his final moments would become controversial:

Slain Teen Had BB Gun

Boy was 'Happy, accepted' at school

Chief defends shooting of teen

I find it ironic that his life was taken by a woman.... aren't women supposed to be the givers of life? I suppose at this point it doesn't matter whether the cop was a male or a female. It doesn't matter whether her perceived threat was real or imagined. Debating the details will not heal the pain. The only thing we can do is put together the pieces of broken hearts and help each other to heal.