Ms. Etiquette

This week I have been attending a Rural Telecon Conference. In attendance are some high level government officials, corporate executives, and lots of techies like me interested in broadband deployment.

When it comes to networking and glad-handing, you could say I am in my element. I love meeting people and talking tech with anyone who crosses my path. One of the cool people I met was William Elk, the "Tavern Father" from Sherman Alexie's movie "The Business of Fancy Dancing." During the whole conference, there were only three of us natives so we kinda stuck together.

Meal times are always awkward at these conferences. Maybe it's the rez in me, but their luncheons are usually - or unusually - a little too formal for me. I never know which fork to use, despise cloth napkins, almost always manage to rub my sleeve across someone else's cake, and can easily make a mess trying to chop my salad into manageable bite-size pieces. There are no exceptions.

But the biggest dilemma I face is where to put my gum. I never remember I have gum until it is too late. It might seem logical that I should probably just swallow it, but for reasons unknown to me I can't get myself to do that. Now, if I ever find myself in some future therapy session I just might mention this. But I am not in therapy, so I usually end up scanning the table for at least one stupid paper napkin to put my gum in.

Well, today I was in luck. There was a paper napkin sitting right there in front of me, and I didn't even have to reach across anyone's food to get it. Jackpot! Ok, so I grab the napkin, spit the gum out, then place it under my plate and out of sight. No problem.

I was sitting at the table with the other two natives and a couple of techies i didn't know, talking tech, and listening to the keynote speaker. We were getting into some cool conversations when I just happened to look down. Earlier in the day I had my sunglasses on, but in the name of politeness I decided to take them off and hang them from the neck of my shirt. Well, when I looked down during the course of one of these conversations, guess what was pasted to one of the lenses of my glasses? A big blob of chewed up gum. Oh my god! I cannot believe these guys did not tell me! I sat there like that for the entire meal and not one of them said a word. Even the "Tavern Father" did not say a thing.

Here I thought I was Ms. Etiquette. It took a lot for me to NOT roll on the floor and laugh my ass off. But since this was a formal luncheon, I simply turned away from the table, quietly scraped the gum from my glasses, and placed it in the paper napkin where it was supposed to be in the first place without saying a word.